


Book of Orion Pax

by rileyriley



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Animated (2007)
Genre: Gen, Jewish Character, Mostly TFA inspired but also lots of TFP backstory used, Purim, purim spiel, using robots and purim to thinly veil my criticism of the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:54:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23416306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rileyriley/pseuds/rileyriley
Summary: Many vorns ago in a distant land called CyberPersia, Sentinel Prime found a show called “Miss Universe Beauty Pageant”.Miss Universe!That would have beings from - well - across the universe competing, maybe even some long-lost mechanical or cybertronian beings that they could make contact with and have favorable trade agreements!Sentinel Prime made an awful discovery: only humans were competing! Gross, squishy, ugly humans! There was only one thing to do: expand diplomatic relationships with Earth and start up his own beauty pageant to compete in the next Miss Universe so a CyberPersian cybertronian could properly claim the crown.Or, the story of Purim told with alien robots.
Relationships: Megatron & Orion Pax
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Book of Orion Pax

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Peruse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peruse/gifts).



> a few days before purim i was possessed with the ghost of - esther herself? and wrote my own Purim spiel with robots. i have no idea whats going on here but I was having so much fun writing it. I'm probably about 10% as funny as I think I am, and that's being generous.
> 
> anyway what is this continuity soup? i don't know, there's lots of stuff from tfa, tfp, idw... just roll with it man. anything referenced is just in service of a punch line, anyway
> 
> scream about Jewish robots with me at [tumblr](HTTP://funghoulies.tumblr.com/)

Many vorns ago in a distant land called CyberPersia, King Ultra Magnus ruled with an iron Magnus hammer. Well, the Magnus Hammer wasn’t actually iron, it was made of steel which is much stronger than iron, but King Ultra Magnus was a venerated and respected king that some people feared because of his thorough enforcement of law and order. 

Like many kings, King Ultra Magnus also had a queen. This queen was the scientist Starscream, the second child of the Winglord of Vos, wedded to King Ultra Magnus to ensure diplomacy and peace between the two nations. Queen Starscream, however, did not like being married off to a “backward grounder nation with no aerial infrastructure” and spent all of his time in his laboratory workshop, inventing whatever caught his spark that day and publishing peer-reviewed papers in the local leading scientific journals.

King Ultra Magnus held many parties and balls because as king, he had to entertain the nobility and visiting royalty. While King Ultra Magnus personally disliked such overt displays of extravagance that often led to debauchery and chaos, he knew they were necessary to the continued diplomacy of CyberPersia. Queen Starscream also liked the balls, often helped plan and organize them with Advisor Sentinel Prime. 

Those balls that Queen Starscream organized were legendary among the royal courts, with the most extravagant energon treat trays and displays of CyberPersian dance, music and culture. After the fifth party ended with three arrests and one prime minister of a neighboring country being lost for three days after, King Ultra Magnus banned Queen Starscream from planning parties ever again. 

“Fine!” Queen Starscream yelled as he stomped back to his laboratory, “See if I ever appear at one of your parties again!”

King Ultra Magnus was pleased to return to the boring and completely legal balls, Advisor Sentinel Prime was very happy to have Queen Starscream out of his circuits. Now he could have King Ultra Magnus’s ear for any and all issues of the kingdom! And now that he didn’t have to go to Starscream’s planning meetings, Sentinel Prime finally had time to check out the TV new channels imported from Earth. There was so much new stuff to watch! A lot of it featured organics, which he skipped through, but there were some movies and shows with alien-looking mechs.

While browsing the channels, he found a show called “Miss Universe Beauty Pageant”. Miss Universe! That would have beings from - well - across the universe competing, maybe even some long-lost mechanical or cybertronian beings that they could make contact with and have favorable trade agreements and Sentinel would be heralded as the Adviser Prime that reconnected distant robotic races!

Sentinel Prime turned to the channel ready to admire robotic beauties and make fun of odd organic concepts of aesthetics. As the camera panned over the contestants, Sentinel Prime made an awful discovery: only humans were competing! Gross, squishy, ugly humans! There were at least a dozen different species in the day’s court hearings!

There was only one thing to do: expand diplomatic relationships with Earth, and start up his own beauty pageant to compete in the next Miss Universe so a CyberPersian cybertronian could properly claim the crown. 

The next day, Advisor Sentinel Prime proposed his new Earth diplomatic strategy.

“King Ultra Magnus, I have a proposal to renew our Earth diplomacy.”

“Yes?” Prompted the King, who had been continuously reviewing the reasons why he had promoted Sentinel to his Prime Advisor since few of his ideas ended successfully. 

“We should compete in beauty pageants! They are part of Earth’s culture, and we can send our own representative to show off the beauty, talents, and intelligence of our people!” 

King Ultra Magnus ruminated over Advisor Sentinel Prime’s words. “Is that not objectifying to those participating in the contest?” He asked.

“Not at all!” Assured Advisor Sentinel Prime, “there are talent portions and question-and-answers to show off the well-rounded characteristics of the contestants.”

“It is still a  _ beauty _ pageant,” said King Ultra Magnus.

“That is part of the contest, yes,” said Advisor Sentinel Prime hopefully.

The King let out a long sigh. “Expanding our diplomatic relations with Earth is important. I will allow it, as long as you let me supervise to make sure the mech you choose will properly represent us on Earth.”

“Of course, King Ultra Magnus! I would never think to do otherwise!”

Advisor Sentinel Prime scurried off to start planning for his own Miss CyberPersia.

King Ultra Magnus had called a meeting with his Advisors. There was a troubling rumor crossing the nation: a general strike of working mecha across the nation. He wanted to know what should be done. Should he agree to their terms, so the economy of the nation would not suffer? Or let the guiding hand of the market continue, and ignore their requests that could cause many businesses to go bankrupt since they could not afford to pay their workers higher wages?

“Don’t worry, King Ultra Magnus,” Advisor Sentinel Prime said with a devious grin, “I have the perfect plan!”

“What is it?” King Ultra Magnus asked, not willing to suffer through his Prime Advisor’s theatrics.

“We arrest all those caught spreading information about the general strike! It is being organized by the Decepticons, and only Decepticon sympathizers will spread the information. It gets rid of those annoying labor-rights-activities for the rest of time, and avoids the general strike! It’s perfect!”

King Ultra Magnus gave Sentinel Prime an incredulous look. “I was asking if avoiding the strike is even a good thing, as many of my citizens are struggling with debt and a wage increase could help fix that. The Decepticon movement has not even claimed to be responsible for organizing it.”

“Decepticons are always the reason for such strife in the country! Clearly many mecha can’t do simple finances. Maybe we can also increase the education budget?” 

“Hmm,” King Ultra Magnus tapped his chin in thought, “that sounds acceptable.” He tapped his Magnus Hammer on the ground. “Make it law!”

“Oh, I will,” Sentinel Prime said, eager to pounce on the semantic ambiguity that King Ultra Magnus had just uttered. 

All across CyberPersia, signs were posted of the upcoming pageant. All mecha under the age of 290 vorns (a very young age, which caused an uproar among many of the nobility, especially the regarded doctor Pharma, who argued that age did not apply to cybertronains the way it did to organics, and thus age restrictions were superfluous at best and discriminatory at worst) were required to register for the first round of judging. Everyone who did qualify flocked to sign up - who  _ didn’t _ want to be crowned the most beautiful mech in CyberPersia and win a free trip to Earth? Many mechs didn’t leave the village they grew up in, much less the planet!

Young Orion Pax, only 214 vorns old and already eagerly studying library science and archival studies, was not eager to register. He had his studies which excited him and his family which filled his life with love and revolutionary politics.

Megatronus had adopted Orion Pax when he was only a few dozen vorns old after his creators were killed in energon-shortage riots. He taught the young Orion to always question power structures and help fellow mecha in need. Megatronus helped organize the poor and working mechs of CyberPersia, distributing pro-union literature and helping reinforce picket lines when enforcers threatened violence.

Megatronus was not happy to see the beauty pageant posters across the land. He also thought that the practice was exploitative and unfairly favored mechs who had the money for upgrades and expensive polish to win, despite the fact that all mecha were required to register and appear. Clearly just an excuse for the government to gather surveillance data on its citizens. 

Finally, when the King and his Advisor were appearing in the small village outside the capital city, Megatronus relented to government pressure and accompanied Orion Pax to his registration so he could look over the legal documents to make sure there was no invasion of privacy or breach of mechanical rights. 

“I can read the legal documents myself, you know,” whined Orion Pax. “I’ve been in university for three years!”

“Oh, am I no longer qualified to read them over since I have no formal training?” Asked Megatronus.

Orion Pax scuffed his pede on the ground, accepting that he had inadvertently used a classist argument. “I’m past the age of majority, you don’t need to baby me anymore, Uncle Megatronus.”

Megatronus hummed and smiled. “I know, my Orion Pax, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about you and wanting the best for you.” Megatronus was also worried about the structure of the judging and didn’t want Orion Pax to be forced to do something he was uncomfortable with. Megatronus was willing to say no to the face of King of CyberPersia, on the risk of execution. He had built up his small empire of freedom fighters to function without him, should that day come, and he was willing to take that sacrifice for his adoptive son, Orion Pax. Especially if his death could so easily be turned into a martyr against an oppressive feudalist government.

The line into the pageant judging was long and boring. Many of young mechs in line were busy buffing and shining their finishes hoping for a shot to get out of the poor area of the city but many were also standing anxiously and making calls to make sure their shifts were covered and family taken care of while they were required to wait in line. Orion Pax had a test the next day in his archival studies class and wanted to study. Megatronus read out Orion Pax’s study notecards and Orion himself carried his textbook and notepads. 

Inside, there was a staging area, several aids running around and keeping all the contestants organized, and an empty hall with two chairs with King Ultra Magnus and Advisor Sentinel Prime sitting at the end. Contestants walked down a catwalk and turned at the end of it, standing in different poses as Advisor Sentinel Prime circled them and barked out orders. King Ultra Magnus mostly looked bored but asked placating, neutral questions about the contestant’s background for the contestant to answer. 

Advisor Sentinel Prime’s voice only grew more shrill as his expectations rose throughout the day, as no mech was good enough in his eyes. Some of the answers contestants gave piqued the King’s interest and he did finally look up from his datapad that had urgent tax reform laws to review and sign, but most simply stated their designation and how honored they were to be able to apply for the position as Miss CyberPersia for Earth’s beauty contests.

When it was finally Orion Pax’s turn on the stage, he walked straight down with a determination to have this silly government-mandated beauty contest be over for him. He had a test the next day, this was such an inconvenience, and there was no government-protected time off for the young mecha with jobs!

At the end of the catwalk, Orion took the three poses he was instructed to do by the aids behind the curtain. Advisor Sentinel Prime circled him with a sour face, unchanging for the past three contestants, and King Ultra Magnus was annotating something in the datapad in his lap. As he moved to the last pose, the study notecards in Orion’s subspace came fluttering out. 

“I’m sorry!” said Orion Pax, bending over to pick up his note cards.

There was a long silence as Orion Pax, bent at the waist, picked up the scattered cards. King Ultra Magnus, noticing a change in the normal examination of contestants, finally looked up. “What are those notecards for?” He asked.

“I’m studying to be an archivist,” said Orion Pax as he took a step and leaned deeply to pick up distantly scattered cards, “and I have a test tomorrow I needed to study for.”

“Archivist? That is an unusual profession. What drew you to it?” King Ultra Magnus asked, putting down his stylus and notepad.

“The continuous opportunity to learn - by helping others if I end up in a library position, or if I do find an archivist job, the access to the earliest Cybertronain records will be a memorable experience themselves!” Orion Pax said, having finally collected all his notecards and slowly stood back upright.

“What is your name, young archivist?” King Ultra Magnus asked.

“Orion Pax of Iacon,” said Orion Pax with a smile. Could he leverage any interest to have some of his student loans forgiven? 

King Ultra Magnus turned to Advisor Sentinel Prime, who had not moved since Orion Pax had dropped his note cards and seemed on the precipice of an overheating-induced protective shutdown. “Put him on the list.”

Megatronus was loath to let Orion Pax move into the royal palace for his preparation and training, but having combed through all the paperwork with Orion and several lawyers, he finally relented. The contract was binding but forgiving and gave many benefits to Orion Pax while he was employed by the government, as well as forgave his student debt as long as he worked for the government for 10 vorns. As soon as he finished his semester at University, he moved in and started learning about Earth culture, CyberPersian diplomacy, and beauty pageantry. 

Orion Pax was eager to learn about Earth’s culture and CyberPersian diplomacy, but every time he had to be instructed by Advisor Sentinel Prime about beauty pageantry, their meetings often ended in fights. 

“There hasn’t been an increase in the minimum wage in over 500 vorns! Inflation has eaten up any increase in wages, and productivity has skyrocketed! All the current unrest is due to the starvation wages you are forcing on the average mech!”

“If a mech needed a better job, they should just go ask for it,” scoffed Sentinel Prime, “but all those mechs are just leeching off the government so they can relax and never bother working!”

“They’re  _ disabled, _ not  _ lazy! _ If the healthcare system wasn’t so shanix-hungry, they could have had preventative maintenance to prevent such dire repairs.” Orion Pax stormed out of the room, optics moist with his empathy for his fellow mecha. How could Advisor Sentinel Prime not see how all the deregulation he pushed through the King hurt the country so?

Orion Pax ran back to his room to compose a letter to Megatronus, filled with his frustrations from the day. Luckily, the next orn Orion Pax was free to do as he pleased and had already made plans to meet up with his family. 

The next day, Orion Pax rehashed his frustrations with Advisor Sentinel Prime. Megatronus listened and comforted Orion, giving him tips on how to better deal with such an obstinate beneficiary of the current economic system. Megatronus was the greatest diplomat Orion had ever met or learned about, and King Ultra Magnus always seemed pleased when Orion Pax used some of the tricks Megatronus had taught him. 

Finally, when Orion Pax’s mood had finally shifted to determination and confidence, Megatronus divulged his own conundrum. 

“My Orion Pax, I wish to have your advice on something,” Megatron said.

Orion Pax perked up, happy that Megatronus finally saw him as adult enough to help with the Decepticon movement that Megatronus had been spearheading since before Orion was born. 

“Soundwave’s agents have reliable information that there are some court members who wish to see King Ultra Magnus removed and use the crisis to call a vote of the nobility and install Sentinel Prime as the new King of CyberPersia. 

“Removing King Ultra Magnus would benefit our goals, but Sentinel Prime is a troublesome figure that would only push back the coming Deceopticon Revolution decavorns. What do you think we should do?”

Orion Pax thought about the question for a long time, sipping on his energon. “King Ultra Magnus is a good mech. He has not become more conservative with age, the laws passed have become more conservative with the appointment of Advisor Sentinel Prime. Keeping King Ultra Magnus will not hinder us; ridding CyberPersia of Sentinel Prime would benefit the country far more.”

Megatronus nodded at Orion Pax’s words. “You always bring such a tempering influence to my decisions, Orion Pax.” Megatronus said, “I will have King Ultra Magnus informed, so we may keep progressing towards freedom for all sentient beings.”

The next evening, King Ultra Magnus was sitting in his office, reviewing news and meetings from the past week. He had just received news that the would-be usurpers had been arrested and charged with regicide, with pending court dates. Many members of his court had wished and planned to try to take his place as King of CyberPersia, but his dedicated and loyal Elite Guard ninja, Jazz, had intercepted them before anything could happen.

The tip that had the name of the bots plotting had come with a name - Megatronus of Tarn had discovered the plot and reported it to the proper authorities, and King Ultra Magnus wished to reward him.

Advisor Sentinel Prime burst into King Ultra Magnus’s Office. “Holy Fra- Oh, Magnus, you’re still up.”

“Yes,” said King Ultra Magnus, “this is my office.”

“Right. Well, I wanted to drop off some reports before I headed out for the night.”

“Actually, Sentinel, I have a question for you. If I were to reward a mech to whom I owe a great debt, what would you suggest?”

Sentinel Prime, thinking the King wished to honor him and his many years of service, puffed out his chest as he thought of a properly honoring celebration. “Provide him with a great money reward and give him a medal celebrating his deeds in front of the whole court and broadcast it across the country!”

King Ultra Magnus nodded and agreed. “That sounds like a fine way to honor a mech. Go send a missive to Megatronus of Tarn that he will receive a medal honoring his dedication to the country of CyberPersia.”

Gobsmacked, Sentinel Prime stalked out of the room and wrote the shortest letter he possibly could, and was forced to stand on the stage next to Megatronus and King Ultra Magnus while someone else received the highest civilian honor possible.

After the announcement of the upcoming ceremony, there were many thinkpieces published in magazines about the morality of rewarding such a divisive mech. However, since there was no proof to link Megatronus to any of the radical Decepticon attacks on property or any other legal wrongdoing, Megatronus was still eligible to receive the award. 

Sentinel’s ire grew and grew as the rumors of general strike kept swirling, and Megatronus started holding open-air speeches with his newfound celebrity status attracting crowds of hundreds. In a pile of routine law renewals and budget proposals, Sentinel Prime inserted a rider that declared the mass arrest of suspected labor agitators on the thirteenth of the next month.

King Ultra Magnus signed the document, with no addendums or alterations.

At another weekly meeting, Megatronus broke the news to Orion Pax. 

“I have received dire news from Soundwave, Orion,” Megatronus said. “On the thirteenth of this coming month, Sentinel Prime plans to arrest all Decepticons and Decepticon sympathizers.”

“No!” cried Orion Pax, “that’s awful! He can’t do that!”

“King Ultra Magnus signed it, and kings are not bound to by the Rule of Law or Intergalactic Laws of Sentience.” Megatronus sighed.

Orion Pax’s optics wetted. “What can we do to stop him?”

“I don't know,” said Megatronus gravely, “Senator Shockwave has disappeared from the King’s Court, and we have few allies left to try to sway the King.”

“What if… what if I tried to talk to the King? I was his chosen diplomat to Earth, so perhaps I can get a meeting with him to change his mind.”

“You can try, Orion. Thank you.”

The next day Orion Pax paced back and forth. He tried to make an appointment with King Ultra Magnus, but the earliest date was a month and a half away. That was much too late to stop Sentinel Prime from arresting all the Decepticons! So he then tried to make an  _ emergency  _ appointment with King Ultra Magnus, which had moved it up two weeks and four days, but that was still too late! They would all be arrested and sentenced to mandatory minimums long before Orion would be able to talk to King Ultra Magnus!

Finally, Orion decided, he would just interrupt the court meeting. He knew he would likely be arrested and also thrown in jail for disrupting the court, but it was his only hope. He couldn’t let his friends and family be arrested!

Orion took a steadying breath at the doors to the King’s throne room. Elite Guards Jazz and Mirage stood at the entryway, guarding the only entry point to the King’s council. Jazz gave Orion a smile and nod, and finally, Orion pushed open the doors.

“--And the Kingdom of Kaon also would like to extend its deepest symp--” 

“Halt!” cried another Elite Guard member.

Orion continued to the King’s throne and stood aside the Kaoni diplomat.

“King Ultra Magnus! I know I am disturbing your meetings, but I have an urgent matter to discuss!” He looked among the wide-eyed members of the court, and the guards ready to rush in and arrest him before another word could be uttered. “You have recently passed laws to arrest any Decepticon or Decepticon sympathizer, and these laws are unjust! They hurt working-class mechs who only want to assert their right to freedom!”

Orion felt the words pouring out of him - is this how Megatronus felt when he gave his speeches?

“If you were to enact these laws fairly, you would have to arrest me! I, Orion Pax, am a Decepticon!”

A gasp echoed through the whole court. The King’s Earth diplomat was a Decepticon! And he was educated, kind, and driven! He looked nothing like the dirty, uneducated Decepticons written about in thinkpieces!

King Ultra Magnus lowered his Magnus Hammer, a sign for the guards to stand down. “Damus, I am very sorry, but we will have to continue this at a later time. Please reschedule with Prowl.” King Ultra Magnus nodded to Orion Pax, “Thank you, Orion Pax, for bringing this to my attention.” The King turned to his Prime Advisor and stood. “Sentinel, please come with me. We need to have a chat.”

Orion Pax called Megatronus as he waited outside King Ultra Magnus’s office and told him what had transpired. There was yelling, mostly of Sentinel Prime’s voice, and finally, the door was flung open and Sentinel, no longer Advisor Prime, was dragged out by Jazz in handcuffs. 

King Ultra Magnus stood at the door of the office, watching Sentinel be dragged away. “Orion, I am truly sorry. I did not wish for things to turn out this way. Sentinel will no longer be allowed to hold public office. I hope that can be a start to the repair of my relationship with Decepticons and the working-class people of CyberPersia.”

Megatronus walked up to Orion Pax’s side, having left his work as soon as he received the call from Orion. “King Ultra Magnus, I wish to discuss some other matters with you.”

“Of course,” King Ultra Magnus said, extending a hand. “Please come in.”

Megatronus took Ultra Magnus’s hand and shook it and then followed him into the office.

“The most pressing issue is the set date to arrest Decepticons: I fear some of Sentinel’s sympathizers will still try to attack us that day in solidarity with Sentinel. Since you cannot recall your previous edicts, we would need protection or some assurance that Enforcers will not arrest us if we defend ourselves from attack.”

“Yes, that is an unfortunate relic of the system which I have inherited,” King Ultra Magnus said, “Since I cannot recall the previous declaration that Sentinel Prime tricked me into signing that stated for all Decepticons to be killed, I will release a new one: all persons found attacking Decepticons on that day will be arrested, and no Decepticon defending themselves will be arrested or charged!” King Ultra Magnus tapped his Magnus Hammer on the ground with intent, then looked sheepishly at Megatron. “Of course, the exact wording can be worked out with your help, Megatronus.” 

Megatronus nodded, sifting through a few of his pre-written laws he had been trying to lobby the government to adopt for one that would match the current circumstances. “Yes, that sounds acceptable.”

Ultra Magnus squared his shoulders and looked at Megatronus again, this time with intent and hope. “In fact, Megatronus, I would like to invite you to be an Advisor to me on matters of economic policy. You would be able to draft the law so that Decepticons can act in self-defense and be protected from Enforcers and bigots alike.”

“I accept your proposal, King Ultra Magnus,” said Megatronus. “I will get started on the draft right away.”

The new decree was published that night, and all the prejudiced mechs that tried to perform citizen’s arrests on Decepticons on the declared day were arrested themselves and put into educational programs to help deradicalize them of their irrational hatred of Decepticons. 

Megatronus advised King Ultra Magnus for many years, instituting many sweeping social and economic policies, starting with more radical progressive taxation and free education through university, that enriched all citizens of CyberPersia and closed the drastic differences in quality of life between the richest and poorest citizens. 

Orion Pax eventually became a cultural ambassador to Earth, spreading knowledge and celebration across the galaxy. 


End file.
